And I don't even know why. In fact, it was so dumb I almost decided not to write this down... but what the heck. I need to talk about it, even if the talk is writing and the audience is anybody who clicks the link. It's better than talking to myself. I'll try to relate what happened without getting too personal.
I was having a really crappy day. The details aren't important, but let's just say it was one of those days where you travel around everywhere but get almost nothing gets done. Very frustrating. And I was really tired.
So I get off the bus and walk by this 7-Eleven that's about three blocks from my home. It used to be a normal place, but for some reason the alley behind the store has recently become a magnet for weirdos. All these nasty looking people hang around outside the place now. I don't know where they come from. They don't seem to live in the neighborhood, but travelling to our little 7-11 and hanging out on the curb seems to give them a thrill. And as if that isn't weird enough, the police have developed the unfortunate habit of arresting downtown panhandlers, driving them up here where they don't know the geography, and then setting them free to wander around the parking lot and bother people. Thanks for the "service," guys. Glad to see that tax money isn't wasted.
Anyway, I'm walking past the 7-11 when this really aggressive panhandler tries to make eye contact with me. He says "Hey man, can you give me a dollar?" I've seen him once before, and even though I never gave him money, I felt sorry for him back then. He's got this orange beard and wild orange hair, and seems so desperate.
But today I'm in no mood for this, so I keep walking. He says "C'mon man, can't you give me a dollar?" And I say "No, I won't" in this really cold voice because I'm sick of him. Then, just as I've walked by, he says "Well, f**k you then."
And I just lose it. I spin around on my heel, point at him, and I shout "No, f**K you! F**k you!" And I'm screaming, just screaming at the top of my lungs like a crazy person. Suddenly, all the rage I've felt is bursting out of me and I'm pouring it out on this random guy I don't even know, like I'm a firehose and it's just coming out and can't be stopped. He yells something back, but I'm so out of my head at this point I don't even know what he said. Then he turns around to go the other way, and I start to leave.
But then he comes back and shouts something else, so I spin around again and shout "Do you want something? Do you want something?" And I start to walk towards him and I swear to God my intent is to beat his head in. I'm not a violent person. The last time I fought back was second grade, but suddenly I want to hurt this person. He could be tough enough to kick my ass. He could have a weapon. But I don't care. I need to hurt him.
Fortunately I don't get to do that, because he turns around and walks away. After a second, I do the same and start to walk home in the opposite direction. When I'm a block and a half away I can hear that he's come back to the corner and is shouting things at me, but I don't stop. It's like I proved something and don't care what he says anymore.
But when I got home the spell wore off and I started to get scared. Where in the world did all that anger come from? I pride myself on self control, and if anything my big problem is that I'm too repressed. Too inhibited. You can see that from the scarcity of entries on this blog. And there was nothing particularly awful about the last few days that was worse than other rotten times in the past. But for reason I just lost it and had no control over myself today. That's frightening.
And that's it. Don't know if it means anything, but it felt good to write it down.
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