Asleep Inside A Dream

Strange dream last night. I was in a cavern deep inside the Moon, about to enter an icy coffin. As the cover clicked shut I knew it was just supposed to last for a year (Asleep inside a dream!), but next thing I knew I was in a busy restaurant and somebody told me that I had actually died. There was somebody else I had to meet, but I couldn't find them or maybe they were too busy to see me, and in the middle of the bustle and commotion with all these people walking around and bumping into me I realized that dying had changed nothing. My skin was really pale, but I could still feel a heartbeat in my chest and nobody else seemed to care. It was same old runaround.

Birthday

Today is my birthday, the first one I've ever had alone. More perhaps later.

A Visit From The Trickster Spirit

There's a coyote in the backyard! Just a small one (probably less than seven pounds), but definitely a coyote. I looked them up on Wikipedia, and this little character is just like the photos. It's got a thin muzzle with close -set almond shaped eyes, triangular ears, and a fuzzy yellow-brown coat. The fur is puffed up a little around the shoulders. I haven't seen it's tail, unfortunately. But I'm pretty sure it's not a dog.

And it doesn't act like a dog. It laid down in front of a rose bush and curled up around itself, nose under tail, but instead of resting it kept sticking its head up in the air, maybe listening to the neighbourhood sounds. Its manner reminded me of the rabbits from the last few years: always on alert. Then it licked its fur for awhile.

I coughed a couple of times, and it heard me! Even though I'm on the other side of a window and more than ten feet in the air. I was scared it was going to leave, but it just moved over to the other side of the bush and seemed to eat some snow. (Not sure it was actually doing that, but that's what it looked like.) Then it sniffed the air for awhile, and looked back in my direction. I looked right into its eyes, but it might not have seen me through the window. Then finally all must have been well, because it turned around three times and laid down again. I guess coyotes, dogs and wolves all have that turning behavior.

The coyote is still there! I think it's sort of half sleeping.

EDIT: Heh. One of my neighbours is out shovelling snow now. You can't see him, but the coyote is laser focused on the sound. You can just see it calculating danger levels in its head. Should I stay or go? So far it's "stay."

Stairway To Heaven

There have been so many incredible auroras this week! Every clear night the sky is alive with dancing fires and sheets of light. I just saw a beautiful display tonight. It lasted for nearly an hour, and may still be going on, but I had to come inside eventually.

At first they hang in the sky like glowing clouds, but then they start to move... It's amazing.

Unfortunate Discoveries

It's weird doing this, but I have no one to talk to, so maybe it will help to talk to the Blog. Some people might come here from time to time, but I'm pretty much alone for the most part (Aside from Russian spammers. Thanks for the pageviews, guys!), so it's safe enough to be candid.

 Alone is exactly what I am all the time. I gave the waitress at Zellers my breakfast order this morning, and this afternoon I talked to a stray cat, but that's been pretty much it for contact with other living creatures. Last night I went to a focus group thing, and it messed me up pretty bad. I'm probably not supposed to say what it was for, and the details really don't matter. The relevant point is that I got to spend two hours with a group of people that the marketing company thought were my peers. And they were in the same age group as me. We got along pretty well, and I ended up enjoying the experience.

Then I came home here, alone. And spent the rest of the night and all of today by myself, just like I spent most of the week. Just like I'll spend the weekend. And being with those people made it so obvious that my peers don't live this way. They have "careers" and some of them even have "families," and they all seemed to be so professional and together. They acted like their lives were a conscious journey towards a self chosen destination, instead of a series of inevitable disasters. I bet none of them went home and cried.

 That's what I did, cry. And I cried most of today. And some things became clear to me:

1) There are always people who've had it worse, no doubt there are millions of people who've endured things I can't even imagine. But I've had a worse life than most of my peers (including the people I knew in school), with a lot more pain and loneliness than the average. The one thing that made it okay, that made it not matter, was being with my Dad, because he loved me and I loved him. Now he's gone but my life is just as shitty as before, without any consolation.

2) There's nothing I can do to make it better. Other people go to bars (I imagine), they have hobbies, they call friends on the phone. I'm sealed in a glass box with no idea how to get out. I literally don't know how to make friends or meet people. And yet I can't stand being alone. I hate my life, but I can't change it.

Father's Day

I had a pretty rough day. I've been crying and breaking down quite a bit this week, probably because Father's Day was coming.

The cemetery made an event out of it. They sent me a letter and I went, not sure why though. It was a really nice day. They gave me a carnation to put on his grave, and drove me over to the plot.

It was still broken soil, just like after the funeral, and the markers were gone. I expected the latter, because I paid extra to have Mom's marker refinished at the factory wherever they make these things. When it's done, both Mom and Dad's markers will be put in at the same time, within a shared concrete border that should look quite nice. But I didn't expect to see broken dirt and no grass, like they'd just forgotten him there. So I talked to someone (can't remember the name) and she said they put in sod over whole bunch of graves at once. There are at least fifty graves like Dad's, apparently, and they're going to cover them all over in July. I didn't like it, but what can I do? I can't bring my own sod.

So I sat there beside their graves and talked to them for awhile. Cried a lot. Just uncontrollable sobbing, so bad I nearly choked. I talked about suicide, and how I can't take the pain anymore. Then I went to get a helium balloon that they were also giving out. The idea is to say something and then release the balloon, send it to them in heaven.

So I came back to the grave, cried a bit more, and started to talk about how this was for them when the balloon burst! It just went "pop" right there when I was holding it, sending bits of rubber all over the grave. I scrambled to get back to the funeral home (it's a fair distance, and this was near the end of the event) and got another balloon. Then I went back to the grave and cleaned off the bits of rubber that I missed the first time. I said "This is a symbol of my love for you. I hope you get it in heaven." and let the balloon go. The wind got it right away, and it sailed between two trees, then started to gain altitude. I watched it until it disappeared from sight. I talked to Mom and Dad a lot more after that, but didn't feel quite as bad, because I got the message: Dad popped that first balloon, because he was angry I was talking about suicide. He didn't want to hear it, and let me know in the only way he could. I promised him that I wouldn't do it, but in return I wanted him to be happy in heaven, and not worry about me so much. Because I know him, and my grief must be bothering him a lot right now.

And that's it. I'm feeling pretty weak and numb, and a bit dizzy. But I'm still here.

It's The End of The World

My father has passed away.