Wednesday 8 August 2007

Donald Duck Doesn't Care If You Die

I had the strangest dream last night. Normally I don't dream at all, or at least I don't remember the dreams if they happen. But this time was different, and I'd like to set some of it down before the whole thing fades away. A lot of it is already gone.

The first thing I should mention was that this dream was like a TV show. I mean, it had drama, special effects, subplots and even theme music, but it was also real. It was like I was a character in a show, and the show was my actual life. Everything was solid, and things had textures and smells. At the time I had no memory of "real" life, and I thought the dream was real.

I was in this big library. I think it was a part of a university, because there were connecting corridors and big stone entrances and people walking around in the corridors who looked like students, but I don't know anything for sure. A lot of the early part of the dream is gone now, so I can't remember much about how I got there (Bart Simpson and Homer were part of it, I think), but I ended up in this library.

And I'm looking at the books, and suddenly someone says that my Mom is in the hospital. And I freak out. In real life my Mom has been dead for almost twenty years but in the dream it's like that never happened, and I start to freak out. How can I get to the hospital to see her? It's like I have to go to the hospital, that's all-important. Nothing else matters, because she's in trouble.

Then this black guy and this fat librarian with glasses start to calm me down (each one of them has a separate voice in this very detailed dream), and then it's okay because my sister is there. She blonde and cute looking, well dressed (in blue jeans and a green sweater), and she understands exactly what I'm feeling because she's going through it too, although she freaks out in a more dignified and restrained manner. And I'm telling the three of them that I have to go to the hospital now! But at the same time I'm so glad sister is there, because it's so good to share these feelings of panic with someone. Then she gets a call that says mom has passed out and we freak out some more. I ask her for the phone, and she comes up close to me to pass it over and I swear I can still remember the feeling of contact as the two of us bump into each other. I felt her hip against my leg, and she felt so solid and real. It was darn erotic for someone who's supposed to be related.

But the thing is, I don't have a sister. Never did. And even in the dream I finally remember this. Then the three of them tell me that I've been hallucinating. In the dream I've been hallucinating.

It's the darn library. Apparently all you have do is pick up the books, and they speak to you. Sort of. What they actually do is fill your mind with hallucinations, and the more contact you have with the book the more it draws you into its world. If you open the book and start reading the process is inevitable, and if you check the book out of the library... Well, then you're pretty much stuck because the book is in charge and it takes you along on a ride. At that point you've got to figure out what the book wants and help it happen because that's the only way to find your path back to reality.

So like an idiot, I start to browse over the books on the shelves. I've still got this irrational urge to get to the hospital - but it's dream logic, y'know what I mean? Suddenly the books seem really fascinating. So I'm looking at the shelves, and I find this door that's covering half a shelf. I pull the door open and there's just bare metal shelving there, and something written on an index card. I lean forward to read the card... And the black guy pulls me away. He closes the door again and says that's not allowed. It's forbidden, or it's too strong or something like that. I can't remember.

So I get three books. A true crime book (which is funny, because I hate true crime books in real life), a science fiction novel (Wherein my former "sister" is a character. I think I touched it earlier, which started me hallucinating about her.), and a horror novel. (Again, I hate horror. But for some reason I wanted it in the library.) Then there's a lot of weird stuff I can't remember, but I think it had to do with me hallucinating monsters. These three people get the horror book out of my hands and the monsters go away. For some reason I don't have the science fiction book anymore.

Then I'm looking outside at the steps, and I see these parents with their little girl going into the library. And suddenly this creepy balding guy just materializes behind them. He's stalking the little girl in this exaggerated style, like a mummy or vampire from an old horror movie. They go inside, and I realize that they're hallucinations of real people. (The book tells me this, somehow.) They're a real family at the bus station, and this girl is really going to get abducted by the creepy bastard behind her, and I'm the only one who knows this. It pisses me off, because I don't want to go to the bus station. But I was dumb enough to pick up the true crime book, and now I've got this responsibility. Somebody has to save the girl. I really want to go the hospital, but I've got to go to the bus station first. I work this out in a conversation with the librarian, the blonde woman and the black guy, all of whom seem quite unconcerned about the whole situation, like they know what I'm going to do anyway and it's just a matter of me realizing it. They were a lot more agitated when I had the horror book, but kidnapped kids don't seem to bother them.

So I say my goodbyes and check the true crime book out of the library. The fat librarian gives me a gun. Then I'm walking down the steps and out onto the lawn when I see the librarian again, over by some bushes. (Don't ask me how he got there.) He asks for the gun back, then tells me that he indulged too much in some fantasy when he was my age. I can't remember what he said exactly, but it had to do with eating a lot of fantasy chocolate that was full of MSG. It destroyed his liver. Now, in his words (and for some reason I actually remember this part) it was "time to blow the kit to kerboodle." I try to convince him that life's worth living, but it's no use.

I don't want to see him commit suicide, so I walk back to the library steps. And there's the black guy and the woman who was supposed to be my sister, lying down with their backs flat on the stone and watching the stars. They're very cheerful.

I look back at where the librarian is, and suddenly all these Disney characters come out of the bushes. There's Donald Duck and Goofy and Mickey, and some others I can't remember. They walk right past the librarian like he's not even there and come towards us, going up the steps. I reach out to touch them, and just as the librarian is blowing his brains out I touch Donald's head and neck. He's cold and hard, like rubber. Like something that can't be alive, but somehow it is. He's moving, and talking to the two people lying on the steps. (Ignoring me just like he ignored the librarian, even though I'm touching him.) The three of them say something pleasant to each other, and then I wake up.

And man, was that weird. For a few seconds I'm a bit confused about what's dream and what's reality, and I still feel this really strong urge to get to the bus station and save the girl. Then I realize it was all a dream.

Freaky.