Birthday

Today is my birthday, the first one I've ever had alone. More perhaps later.

A Visit From The Trickster Spirit

There's a coyote in the backyard! Just a small one (probably less than seven pounds), but definitely a coyote. I looked them up on Wikipedia, and this little character is just like the photos. It's got a thin muzzle with close -set almond shaped eyes, triangular ears, and a fuzzy yellow-brown coat. The fur is puffed up a little around the shoulders. I haven't seen it's tail, unfortunately. But I'm pretty sure it's not a dog.

And it doesn't act like a dog. It laid down in front of a rose bush and curled up around itself, nose under tail, but instead of resting it kept sticking its head up in the air, maybe listening to the neighbourhood sounds. Its manner reminded me of the rabbits from the last few years: always on alert. Then it licked its fur for awhile.

I coughed a couple of times, and it heard me! Even though I'm on the other side of a window and more than ten feet in the air. I was scared it was going to leave, but it just moved over to the other side of the bush and seemed to eat some snow. (Not sure it was actually doing that, but that's what it looked like.) Then it sniffed the air for awhile, and looked back in my direction. I looked right into its eyes, but it might not have seen me through the window. Then finally all must have been well, because it turned around three times and laid down again. I guess coyotes, dogs and wolves all have that turning behavior.

The coyote is still there! I think it's sort of half sleeping.

EDIT: Heh. One of my neighbours is out shovelling snow now. You can't see him, but the coyote is laser focused on the sound. You can just see it calculating danger levels in its head. Should I stay or go? So far it's "stay."

Stairway To Heaven

There have been so many incredible auroras this week! Every clear night the sky is alive with dancing fires and sheets of light. I just saw a beautiful display tonight. It lasted for nearly an hour, and may still be going on, but I had to come inside eventually.

At first they hang in the sky like glowing clouds, but then they start to move... It's amazing.

Father's Day

I had a pretty rough day. I've been crying and breaking down quite a bit this week, probably because Father's Day was coming.

The cemetery made an event out of it. They sent me a letter and I went, not sure why though. It was a really nice day. They gave me a carnation to put on his grave, and drove me over to the plot.

It was still broken soil, just like after the funeral, and the markers were gone. I expected the latter, because I paid extra to have Mom's marker refinished at the factory wherever they make these things. When it's done, both Mom and Dad's markers will be put in at the same time, within a shared concrete border that should look quite nice. But I didn't expect to see broken dirt and no grass, like they'd just forgotten him there. So I talked to someone (can't remember the name) and she said they put in sod over whole bunch of graves at once. There are at least fifty graves like Dad's, apparently, and they're going to cover them all over in July. I didn't like it, but what can I do? I can't bring my own sod.

So I sat there beside their graves and talked to them for awhile. Cried a lot. Just uncontrollable sobbing, so bad I nearly choked. I talked about suicide, and how I can't take the pain anymore. Then I went to get a helium balloon that they were also giving out. The idea is to say something and then release the balloon, send it to them in heaven.

So I came back to the grave, cried a bit more, and started to talk about how this was for them when the balloon burst! It just went "pop" right there when I was holding it, sending bits of rubber all over the grave. I scrambled to get back to the funeral home (it's a fair distance, and this was near the end of the event) and got another balloon. Then I went back to the grave and cleaned off the bits of rubber that I missed the first time. I said "This is a symbol of my love for you. I hope you get it in heaven." and let the balloon go. The wind got it right away, and it sailed between two trees, then started to gain altitude. I watched it until it disappeared from sight. I talked to Mom and Dad a lot more after that, but didn't feel quite as bad, because I got the message: Dad popped that first balloon, because he was angry I was talking about suicide. He didn't want to hear it, and let me know in the only way he could. I promised him that I wouldn't do it, but in return I wanted him to be happy in heaven, and not worry about me so much. Because I know him, and my grief must be bothering him a lot right now.

And that's it. I'm feeling pretty weak and numb, and a bit dizzy. But I'm still here.

It's The End of The World

My father has passed away.

Blizzard!

This morning we got the worst winter storm (so far) this year - and it's the fourth of May! Yesterday there was green grass and bushes tentatively unfurling little green leaves, birds singing and flying around, and today it's a total whiteout. Soggy, heavy snow everywhere and the wind blowing like a hurricane. The power went out for a few minutes this morning. I went outside to help my Dad get on his bus (probably not the best idea, but he got to his destination okay), and I couldn't even breathe. The wind was blowing so hard that it became diffuse and I couldn't get enough air into my lungs, and after five minutes I was just coated in snow.

And the worst thing is there's this cute little bunny that's been showing up in the garden for the last couple of weeks, and it's out there right now in the snow. It's made a little burrow for itself out of the branches of a bush and some long grass and by digging in the snow, and it's just sitting out there with its eyes closed trying to tough out the storm. I've been watching it from the kitchen window, trying to think of what I can do to help, but it's a wild animal. If I went out there it would just run away and lose the minimal protection of the burrow, so all I can do is watch and hope it gets through all right. Sometimes I get worried because it hasn't moved for awhile, but then it will twitch its ears or rub its legs and knock off the encrustation of snow. I guess it'll be okay.

Now it's my turn to go outside and do the grocery shopping. Time to break out the winter coat.

EDIT 1:
I'm back for the moment. The wind petered out after 12:30, and it hasn't been too bad after that. Just wet and cold. The rabbit is still in his emergency burrow and shows no sign of coming out, but he seems to be okay. I guess that's how they've survived for millions of years: when bad weather hits, find the best shelter you can and dig in.

EDIT 2:
The rabbit is gone now. I think it left sometime around sunset yesterday, but I'm not sure. The strange thing is that it left no trace of itself behind. There's smooth white snow all around the little grassy hole it made, but no tracks or marks whatsoever. Was this some kind of ninja bunny? I don't know.

Ye Winds Tempestuous Blow

Quite a storm last night. There's power outages and damage all over the city - though not here, obviously. We got off pretty light at this house. One of the trees out front has a big, broken branch, and that's it. But look a little further down the street and you can see a whole lot more broken branches. Across the street and a few houses down, there's a tree that's got half its branches lying in a leafy green heap on the grass. About a block away there's a yard where a tree split in two right down the middle, with half of it lying on the road. We had to drive around that last night. I was out in the storm with a friend, but we were safe in his car and nothing happened to us. It was still a pretty interesting ride home, though. I might write something about that later.

Right now the most relevant thing I can mention is this weird feeling that's in the air. I don't know exactly how to describe it, it's like this vibe that says something isn't right, and things still aren't back to normal. No doubt it has to do with the changes in ions and air pressure that you get after a storm, but the physical effect is pretty striking. People get angry or depressed or feel sick for no reason at all, and there are no birds singing today. Not even a magpie squawk, just silence, broken by the distant wail of sirens. (There's been a lot of sirens today.) No newspaper today, either. It's weird how everything seems topsy turvy and you don't know what to expect. I even found a spider in the coffee pot this morning.