I had a pretty rough day. I've been crying and breaking down quite a bit this week, probably because Father's Day was coming.
The cemetery made an event out of it. They sent me a letter and I went, not sure why though. It was a really nice day. They gave me a carnation to put on his grave, and drove me over to the plot.
It was still broken soil, just like after the funeral, and the markers were gone. I expected the latter, because I paid extra to have Mom's marker refinished at the factory wherever they make these things. When it's done, both Mom and Dad's markers will be put in at the same time, within a shared concrete border that should look quite nice. But I didn't expect to see broken dirt and no grass, like they'd just forgotten him there. So I talked to someone (can't remember the name) and she said they put in sod over whole bunch of graves at once. There are at least fifty graves like Dad's, apparently, and they're going to cover them all over in July. I didn't like it, but what can I do? I can't bring my own sod.
So I sat there beside their graves and talked to them for awhile. Cried a lot. Just uncontrollable sobbing, so bad I nearly choked. I talked about suicide, and how I can't take the pain anymore. Then I went to get a helium balloon that they were also giving out. The idea is to say something and then release the balloon, send it to them in heaven.
So I came back to the grave, cried a bit more, and started to talk about how this was for them when the balloon burst! It just went "pop" right there when I was holding it, sending bits of rubber all over the grave. I scrambled to get back to the funeral home (it's a fair distance, and this was near the end of the event) and got another balloon. Then I went back to the grave and cleaned off the bits of rubber that I missed the first time. I said "This is a symbol of my love for you. I hope you get it in heaven." and let the balloon go. The wind got it right away, and it sailed between two trees, then started to gain altitude. I watched it until it disappeared from sight. I talked to Mom and Dad a lot more after that, but didn't feel quite as bad, because I got the message: Dad popped that first balloon, because he was angry I was talking about suicide. He didn't want to hear it, and let me know in the only way he could. I promised him that I wouldn't do it, but in return I wanted him to be happy in heaven, and not worry about me so much. Because I know him, and my grief must be bothering him a lot right now.
And that's it. I'm feeling pretty weak and numb, and a bit dizzy. But I'm still here.