It's weird doing this, but I have no one to talk to, so maybe it will help to talk to the Blog. Some people might come here from time to time, but I'm pretty much alone for the most part (Aside from Russian spammers. Thanks for the pageviews, guys!), so it's safe enough to be candid.
Alone is exactly what I am all the time. I gave the waitress at Zellers my breakfast order this morning, and this afternoon I talked to a stray cat, but that's been pretty much it for contact with other living creatures.
Last night I went to a focus group thing, and it messed me up pretty bad. I'm probably not supposed to say what it was for, and the details really don't matter. The relevant point is that I got to spend two hours with a group of people that the marketing company thought were my peers. And they were in the same age group as me. We got along pretty well, and I ended up enjoying the experience.
Then I came home here, alone. And spent the rest of the night and all of today by myself, just like I spent most of the week. Just like I'll spend the weekend. And being with those people made it so obvious that my peers don't live this way. They have "careers" and some of them even have "families," and they all seemed to be so professional and together. They acted like their lives were a conscious journey towards a self chosen destination, instead of a series of inevitable disasters. I bet none of them went home and cried.
That's what I did, cry. And I cried most of today. And some things became clear to me:
1) There are always people who've had it worse, no doubt there are millions of people who've endured things I can't even imagine. But I've had a worse life than most of my peers (including the people I knew in school), with a lot more pain and loneliness than the average. The one thing that made it okay, that made it not matter, was being with my Dad, because he loved me and I loved him. Now he's gone but my life is just as shitty as before, without any consolation.
2) There's nothing I can do to make it better. Other people go to bars (I imagine), they have hobbies, they call friends on the phone. I'm sealed in a glass box with no idea how to get out. I literally don't know how to make friends or meet people. And yet I can't stand being alone. I hate my life, but I can't change it.